NO TURNING BACK NOW!!!

Well, we did it! We wrote the check for the first of many payments to AWAA (America World Adoption Association). It was sooooo much better than writing a check for a mortgage payment or bill. It was joyfully written and eagerly signed!

Of course we took a picture.

I had to crop it to remove the checking account #! Duh, who knows who is out there scanning blogs! :)

Lee was so sweet. We sat down to go over all the paperwork that this check accompanies. Lee read me every page, and together we poured over the requirements and timeline. Lee's face lit up when he said "we could have our baby in 10 months" and smiled ear to ear when he read "Receive your referral and travel to Ethiopia to get your child!" I asked him what he was feeling and he said "Finally, this is moving forward!" I asked if it seemed real and he said "Yes!" It was so cute and I could tell he was into it.

Have I mentioned that I LOVE our agency? This was one of the only ones that has you state your faith. We had to sign a statement, AGAIN with this agreement that stated that we believe Jesus Christ to be our Lord and Savior and we agree to raise our adopted child in this faith. How powerful!

So as wrote the check we said a long and powerful prayer together. What a wonderful moment to pray that God would watch over this entire process, love us, make it smooth, fast and joyful! We also prayed that our child would be ready for us and attach well. Even though it is amazing to think he/she is most likely not even conceived today I had an overwhelming feeling that our child is already here. And, he is already ours. My prayer thanked God for creating this child for us and doing so before WE were even born as the parents! Overwhelming to think of God's plan designed so very long ago!

The mother of our future child has been heavily weighing on my heart the past few days. Thinking about her having to make the decision to give up her child to us, foreign strangers is unfathomable to me. I can't imagine the angst and pain that will envelop her when she makes this choice. She will become a regular part of my prayers.

I have been thinking of what I will say to my son when he asks me if we adopted him just because we couldn't have our own. I honestly can say that I would tell him that is not the case. He was our FIRST CHOICE and God kept us from becoming pregnant to fulfil his will and purpose for our life! He will NEVER be "Plan B" and I am convinced that God has prepared my heart to have a non biological child first, so he can know that we sought him as our "Plan A." It just overwhelms me to think this is exactly the way God decided it would be and we are just where we should be just at this specific moment in time.

Finally, Lee said the funniest thing to Daisie tonight! Even though we are unsure of the child's sex, we both feel it will be a boy. Lee said to Daisie, "Dais-soon you will have your little 'Fro 'Bro!" I love it. Then, and only then, will our family be complete...

Mother's Day and Babies Galore!

It seems that everywhere babies are being born! In the past 2 months of my life I have known 6 friends and family members to have a baby! What a joyous time! We also received wonderful news that my niece Madison Grace got to come home after 4 weeks in the NICU! Just in time for Mother's Day!

Let's blow this joint!

Little Miss Grizz!


So tiny

Let's Go!!!

Babies, babies, babies! I have begun to wonder if there is indeed something in the water; water I am not privy to drinking.

Mother's Day was a difficult day for me. Never had I thought it would be, but this year, the day came with the realization that I was childless. It's definitely a difficult thing to be surrounded by all the babies, and be longing for your own. My heart physically aches. I found myself walking a tightrope of emotions, teetering between genuine happiness for my new mommy loved ones and sadness and despair over not having my own.

Childless women are often forgotten on Mother's Day. Just because we aren't mothers, doesn't mean we don't want to be. Blessedly, our pastor mentioned those of us who have longed for a child and haven't been able to have one. He said we are mothers too, to other children and in spirit. I so needed to hear this. While I have had a great many difficulties in this life, this journey is definitely my cross to bear. Many times I have felt unable to find anyone to talk to for support, to share my journey and painful and angry feelings would twist inside me and I thought I may explode! So, I write my book and this blog, which is my escape. I completely understand how others don't quite know what to ask and say. But God again provided special people in my life on Mother's Day who have traveled this lonely road and have the right encouraging words, notes and articles. I was overwhelmed by messages on Sunday of people telling me they prayed for me because they knew Mother's Day would be tough.

And so, in my heart I know I'm a mom. I just don't have my child...yet. I experience utter joy when I hear the news of a baby being born healthy, I look forward to new pictures and updates, I look at baby pictures and smile, I plan baby showers, shop for baby clothes, crochet baby blankets, all with the hope that it will be my turn soon. But it remains a bittersweet experience. Many people say that you cannot imagine being a parent until it happens to you. I completely agree and I can say you do not understand the journey of infertility and longing for a child until it happens to you. It is a lonely, silent and unforgiving place to be. My faith is tested constantly and I keep my chin up knowing God does not leave his promises unfulfilled. I pray for patience every single day.

And so I wish a genuine and heartfelt "Happy Mother's Day" to my loved ones, new mommies, mommies with grown children, mommies who have babies in heaven. I also wish a "Happy Future Mother's Day" to my comrades in this journey, who desire a child and are praying and hoping for a miracle as I am. We are soldiers my friends, and this journey God has selected for us is not for the weary or faint of heart. Though we may not know what it is, there is a lesson to be learned and He would not have chosen us to endure this struggle unless we were capable.

SOLD!

Well, we did it! After quite a roller coaster ride, we own our first house! It was so much fun going over there tonight to look around. While Lee has quite a "honey do" list, we had fun lying on the carpet looking at our house. We can't wait to paint, update and make it our own! It's hard to go from a house with a brand new kitchen with granite countertops to one with the original ones, not to mention no walk-in closet, but we're excited to OWN something, put our mark on it, update it and get it ready to sell in a few years when we return to Colorado. But, with these views, it will be hard to leave! :) We decided it really is worth the extra money and smaller house to be near the mountains. It will make our time here all the more pleasant. Now we can begin our homestudy! (Well, after we get moved in anyway).

The Toone Family hotel is open for business! :)

We'll leave the light on for ya!

Here are a few photos of the new Toone Family abode. :) One step closer to our baby! :)

The Living room and beautiful bay window

Daisie found a doggie bone


The kitchen-those countertops gotta go!!!

Family Room downstairs

View from the backyard looking back at the house. Can't wait to put a bistro table on the brick and a patio set on the deck and have guests over to cook S'mores in the firepit!

Home Sweet Home

Master Bedroom

Baby room? Hmmmmmm :)





Dining area-that wall's gotta go!!! :)

BAGS BAGS BAGS!!!!

BAGS ARE DONE AND READY TO SHIP!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE!!!

Bag stats:

I shipped out 31 separate orders of bags even as far as London England! Pretty cool! Bags are going to California, Oregon, Kansas, Missouri, Florida and the list goes on and on! Thank you for helping our dream become a reality!

SHE IS HERE!!!

Well, after a sudden appearance (7 weeks early), our little niece Madison Grace Colin has arrived! She put her mommy through quite an ordeal with high blood pressure and whacky lab levels but she is here and all are doing well and healthy! She weighed in at a whopping 3 pounds 14 ounces and 18 inches long. She is eating well with her mommy and will be in the NICU for several weeks. Mommy and Daddy had to drive to Missoula, MT, which is 2 hours from where they live in Butte to deliver her, and they are now staying at the Ronald McDonald house across the street so they can go over and see her often. They feel she really wanted to make her showing in Missoula, since that is where University of Montana is and that is where her Daddy went to school! :) She is just a little Miss Grizz! :)

I cannot say enough about this child! I love her with my whole heart! Not only is she exquisitely beautiful, but she shares my bloodlines which is just mind blowing to me! I love her soooo much and can't wait to meet my sweet little Maddie!!! SOON! Here are some pics of the earth's newest angel!!!

Daddy is already wrapped around MY finger :)

Proud Pappa

Mommy and baby


Lil' Miss Grizz

Long and Lean

Sleeping Angel

A little fun!

Things have been a little crazy of late. Between buying a house and all that entails (inspections, loan paperwork, appraisals), having visitors, showing our house to potential buyers and renters, and working on adoption stuff, job interviews, and just life in general, it has been quite hectic! So, while I originally thought I may limit this blog to adoption-related postings, I decided to throw in a little fun!

Today, Lee and I were blessed enough to get tickets to the K-state/Butler NCAA Elite 8 game! I cheer for KU a lot, but my heart is really with KSU. I went there for two years, so I suppose my blood runs purple deep down. :) So, we lucked out in that the tourney was here in Salt Lake and KSU made it this far so we could see them! How much fun it was to see all the K-state fans invading our city! We met quite a few around town and it has been so much fun! While the game was a bit sad, and the Cats could have played much better, it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience! It was sooooo different watching the game in person, much more aggressive than it appears on TV and so much energy and noise! I'm so glad we dropped a pretty penny for the nosebleed seats! :)

Next post: Pics of our house with a "SOLD" sign. :)

THEY ARE HERE!!!!!!

GROCERY BAGS ARE HERE! GET 'EM WHILE THEY'RE HOT! YOU TOO CAN GET YOUR HOT LITTLE HANDS ON THESE FABULOUS CREATIONS!!!

THE LOGO ON THESE BAGS WAS DESIGNED AS A TAG-TEAM EFFORT BETWEEN MYSELF AND OUR DEAR FRIEND CLINT. HE INCORPORATED MY WORDS INTO THIS AWESOME LOGO AND NOW, EVEN YOU CAN CARRY OUR MIRACLE OF ADOPTION MESSAGE EVERYWHERE YOU GO!!! :)

CLICK ON THE "DONATE" TAB ON THE RIGHT OF OUR PAGE, OR EMAIL ME AT KYLIETOONE@YAHOO.COM IF YOU ARE INTERESTED. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE ALREADY ORDERED THEM, STAY TUNED, THEY WILL BE ON THEIR WAY SHORTLY! BEAR WITH ME, I HAVE MANY TO SEND!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Our first MAJOR hurdle...

YEP! That's me in my shirt that I LOVE. Already it has become a conversation starter in public places. I walked into a Chevron one day after Lee asked me to pick up one more quart of oil. The clerk started telling me about his nephew, who was adopted from there 2 years ago. He said, and I quote, "It was a LONG, HARD, journey, but sooooo worth it. He's a great kid."

So why are we so shocked that this latest development has happened? We just got word from our agency that Ethiopia is now requiring two visits from the parents to Ethiopia. Previously, it was not required for both parents to be present for the court hearing. Often times, the court date does not pass the first time, so it is repeated and an agency representative takes care of it. Only one parent had to travel to Africa ONCE to pick up the child. Now, the courts are requiring BOTH parents to come to court (and hope they pass the first time!) and then BOTH to travel to pick up the child. Now this is not a bad thing when you realize this declaration has come as a results of the recent surge of adoptions since the Haiti earthquake. That is a GOOD thing. The judge wants the parents to advocate for their future child and testify to their commitment and love. All good things. But, the obstacle comes in having to add an additional $5,000-10,000 to the total cost, depending on how many court dates you have to attend. And the length of time will now be extended.

We are overwhelmed to say the least. It seems that this journey will never see its end, even though we've only just begun the process. It seems to be 3 steps forward and 4 steps back. I find myself really questioning if we should proceed. I am asking God for confirmation and clarity and things keep happening to prolong this process. But then, He throws in little bits of encouragement. Like the dream I had where I stroked an African Orphan's face and he said to me, "I can tell you truly love me, because you hands are so loving and you love my color." Weird, but encouraging. And the 4 year old from my fitness class who said "Coach Kylie, I REALLY love you." And I REALLY love her and wept when I pulled the car away from her school. And the verse God dropped on my head like a 2 X 4. "He gives the childless woman a family and makes a happy mother. PRAISE THE LORD!" Psalm 113:9. So, what I am concluding from this is that God is whispering a quiet, yet powerful PROMISE to my heart. "Kylie, you WILL be a mother, I PROMISE. Just. Be. Patient."

I was driving home from my pilates class and JJ Heller's song came on KLOVE. Yep, that's the ONLY station I have been capable of listening to. I have to, so that I may fill myself up with the most possible amount of encouragement and boy does that station provide it!

JJ's song says:

"When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your Hands."

(YOU ARE LISTENING TO THIS SONG RIGHT NOW!!!)

So, of course I lost it. I am admittedly a deeply emotional and feeling person but this day took the cake. I literally sobbed like a baby. I gripped hard to the steering wheel and cried out to God! "God! MY heart is BROKEN! I want to be a mother and I've waited so long already. 2 years of trying, a year of trying to get this adoption started. Will I EVER be a mother? PLEASE God. PLEASE help me. Comfort me, give me peace. Give me hope. Strengthen me and give me trust."

So how do we go on from here? We pray, as we have been. We pray for a miracle with the finances. We pray that God will confirm His will and make it VERY VERY (like NEON SIGN) clear. We pray that God will say "If this adoption is not my will then I will help you to accept it." And we cling to the hope that God will not leave his promises unfufilled about being parents.

Do you know what is so interesting? I have prayed time and time again that God would remove our desire to be parents if it was not His will. But guess what He did? He only strengthened it. I tell people all the time that by the time I hold my child in my arms (whether adopted or biolgical) I will have utterly CHERISHED every tear, prayer, hug, (or stretch mark, nauseous and bloated day or ache and pain). For those of us who have been through the journey of infertility and desired a child so much we'd do anything, I think the end result is just that much sweeter.

So, I'm not giving up. Whether it is God testing our commitment and faith, or signs to stop this process, I'm holding tight to His promises...And like my best friend said to me, "Kylie, God gives us what we can handle. Lots of us couldn't handle what you are going through, but God knows you can!"


Thanks for letting me pour out my heart. It is very therapeutic. Thanks for all the words of encouragement, prayers, financial support and love. We have a long way to go, so keep it coming! :)

Adoption Wall of Hope!

Well, we mailed our homestudy packet! We are looking to buy a house, so may have to put off the actual appointment but its in! Man do we look icky on paper, but know God will make us look stellar! Woohoo! Step one done! I made the mistake of looking at the flow chart from our agency. We're on step -1 in the grand scheme of steps. Ha! And a friend's blog said that her homestudy and dossier was 89 pages long, took 7 months and they had to write long autobiographies! So that I will not lose my head, I taped three onsies up on the wall in our office. Lee laughed but its the only thing keeping my eye on the prize! Everytime I get overwhelmed, I will look at this wall of onesies and keep my sanity. Whew!

Please pray our homestudy goes well! We're scared we'll get rejected! I guess we'll have that fear until our baby is in our arms!

Here's to keeping the faith! And onesies!!! :) And jammies from Grammie and Grampie!



And here's to ALWAYS having hope...

OH! My best friend in the universe had her baby on Friday. AND we got our shirts we ordered with our logo and they are great quality AND they look fabulous!
What a GREAT DAY!

Aiden Canyon was born on Friday and he is precious. He was early and weighed in just under 5 pounds but is doing ok. Mom had a little trouble with her blood pressure and had to go back to the hospital but she, daddy and baby are all home now.

Can I tell you how happy I am for them? She will be the BEST mom, I just know it. She has been there for me and all the ups and downs of my life since high school! She is an angel and a saint. I love her and I am so happy for her and I love this child already!!! So much, my heart bursts. What an awesome journey they are embarking on! And, it just makes my heart long to have a child even more, so our kiddos can play together!!! :) Maybe when we get our angel, they'll be the same age! :)