Sneakin' away...to my home!

Well, my awesome friend Amy gave me a buddy pass to fly CHEAP to Colorado Springs! We were trying to pick a time to have a girls weekend before I start my new job (July 12th=soon!) so we decided it might be easier for me to go there. Since Amy's days off are Tuesday and Wednesday, we decided that would work best so we could have ample girl time! These girls are two of my dearest friends and were in my small group in Colorado. Truly they were put in my life to be a support and to love me despite my shortcomings. I have not had as close friendships with anyone since my days in graduate school and college. Blessings they are to me! So, you can imagine my utter excitement at jumping on a plane and visiting after 9 long months! My hubby gave me his blessing despite money being tight, knowing we still don't have close friends in Utah (yet!) and how my heart desires such girl time. It is truly a NECESSITY for me as the way God has wired me requires this time. And wheeee doggie it was it fun!

I was nervous upon flying over my beloved Pikes Peak (oh how I loved conquering its 14,110 feet in a hike a couple of years ago!) and wondering how I would feel. As I was flying I felt the need to write well up in my chest. As has happened so many times before, countless thoughts and feelings were wandering around in my head and heart, and once again I felt I may burst if I did not write. And here I had nothing, not even a scrap of paper. I need to carry my journal with me more diligently but I think its still packed! So, expect another chapter of my book about 9 months in Utah and my feelings on what "home" means.

Wow! It was such an experience of nostalgia to go "home" after 9 months. And when I say "home" I do not use this word lightly. I ooohed and awwwwed at my old neighborhood, nail shop and starbucks (went twice! yum, Cafe vanilla light soy frappuchino! I may like coffee now!) made my heart do a flip flop. My heart fluttered when I saw my friends dogs and homes. I felt a twinge of sadness and a twist in my gut when driving around and looking at the changes. I inhaled the COOL air (it was about 84 in springs and 97 in SLC. MUCH hotter at my new abode). I sniffed some FRESH air. It was such a bittersweet trip. And although I didn't get too close to the mountains or take a hike this time around, I was with my two dear Colorado girls and it couldn't have been sweeter. Hanging with Julie's baby Addy, who was 3 months old when I left was a particular treat. She is nearly walking and turning one in a week so it was so much fun! Just starbucksing, shopping, eating, and watching movies was fantastic. And the girls cooked for me, and Amy and Karl had a barbeque and more church friends came over! It was such a reunion but I really missed Lee and I think they did too! It was the first place we moved to together and started over so our friends were OUR friends together. Next time he must come.

So all that said was Colorado home this trip? YES. Do I still feel Colorado is the closest thing to home I have ever experienced? YES. Do I hope we end up back there? YES. For now, Utah is home (and the mountains are actually closer and would be hard to give up) and we'll stick it out a bit longer. But, in my heart I know my home is where God has me and where my heart is, with Lee and our Daisie Lou.


Here are some pics of our fun!

This is a GREAT little find downtown Springs. I had their "pink suga" martini in the middle of the day! WHOOP! That was a strong one! :) Yummy food too!
Me with my girls Amy (middle) and Julie (right). I am holding Adalyn (Julie's little girl who was 3 months old when I left!!!) and the other two belong to other friends who had dropped them off for us to watch them as they went on their dinner date. Kadmen is just a few weeks old and Jonah is almost 3. Fun kiddos!

Me and my Kansas Girl Julie :)


Little Miss Adalyn Taylor!

Amy and Adalyn

Miss Addy. What a GREAT shopper and Starbuckser she is!

I had Addy in my room with me for a bit and was going to put on her adorable little outfit. She decided to do a cute pose for this picture. She's a HAM! :)

Emma-Daisie's best best friend in the entire universe! I swear, Emma was SOOOO exctied to see me, but then she was sniffing and looking around for Daisie. Daisie was equally as sniffy when I got home and knew I had seen her best friend and went looking around for her. These dogs were inseperable! Awwww, I miss getting them together for playdates!


More Shuga's

But what a GREAT TRIP! I am all ready to plan our return and seeing all my former work friends and family!!! It was too too short!

BIG DADDY BINDER!!!

Ok, so today's task was to compile all of our adoption documents into a GINORMOUS 3-ring binder. It needs to be organized a bit more, but at least we know what's what. Yes, every single one of the sheet protector pages contains a document that must be obtained, completed, mailed, faxed, certified, authenticated, paid for, fingerprinted or something... :)

This weekend, we'll work to plot a giant wall "map" of our to-do list and then make deadlines. I can't wait to get things going! At least now, even though I am overwhelmed, I can make heads or tails of what to do next and have some sense of control. I cannot imagine being done with this process, being "paper pregnant" and waiting months to get our referral! That will be an insane time and as my dear friend from Colorado says, it will be "Excrutia." But at least then, I can shop for baby clothes and be "legit!" :)

So here it is, "BIG DADDY BINDER." Don't ask me why I named it that, but its a big 'un! Ok, time to get to work! WHEW! I'm pooped already. :)

Ethiopia Adoption Video

Wow! I have been so blessed to be a part of a Yahoo group dedicated to adoptive families from our agency. Everyone from our agency is a Christian so the power of prayer is evident. So far, I have been quiet, waiting in the wings, listening and watching prayer for those awaiting forms, court dates and travel dates to go get their children! .

There was a lost of frustration this past week. Papers were lost, not being processed, court approval was not gained, travel information not received. A group prayer occurred on Sunday night for two hours. On Monday and Tuesday, MIGHTY things happened! Court dates were given, court was passed, travel dates given and plans made! Amazing the hand of God when we just cry out to Him! It is just so cool to see a group of total strangers, waiting for their child. I could say so much more, but for now, I had to post this video. If you ask why we chose Ethiopia instead of a domestic (U.S.) adoption, or another country, this is why. I think the sound of these Ethiopian children singing is the best choir my ears (and heart!) have EVER heard. Read the statistics. Look at the pictures. Gaze into the eyes of these children.

We desire too, to make the number of orphans in Ethiopia MINUS 1.

OY VEY!

Lee and I sat down for 2 hours last night to pour over our first set of documents. I must admit I haven't been so overwhelmed since working to complete my Master's Thesis in graduate school. It seemed an impossible task, as does this adoption. I cannot even begin to describe the sheer amount of paperwork involved in the "paperchase." So, after praying to commit the process to God, we took deep breaths and began to read. Lee maintained a level of calm I could not believe! So today, I decided I would bite off little bites of each task and complete them daily. I have to get a big chunk of this done before I start my new job so I will do a little every day. Each time I work on a task, I will pray that God will be in control of that step. It is amazing how much better that makes me feel than pretending we actually have any semblance of control at all over this entire situation.

I spent 100 bucks on birth and marriage certificates. Between that, our first payment to the agency and homestudy fees, our adoption account is wiped out. Please continue to pray for financial miracles. We believe God will provide for us throughout this process! I do not like asking people for money, so we hope that God will surprise us! Pray my new job affords us the abillity to save and be good stewards of God's blessings.

I also hooked up with other families on our agency Yahoo chat group. It is ONLY Ethiopia families from OUR agency. what a blessing it is to read their notes and emails. One family just returned from the court date and will be going back to get their son in a few weeks. She mentioned that she is soooo thrilled that they changed the laws to require parents to travel twice. Despite the cost involved, she said she wouldn't trade seeing her son when he was tiny, because in a few weeks he'll be much bigger. It is indeed a blessing in disguise.

So, we're on our way. I promise not to bore you with daily updates of the tasks we've completed, but this is the first tangible thing I've done. Everything else thus far has been rather abstract. Mostly dreaming about holding our child.

Someone told me that you can't eat an entire elephant at once. You must bite off one bite at a time. That's what I intend to do, committing each nibble to the Lord. Today was yet a tiny sampling.

Off to write our autobiographies, talk to people about writing recommendation letters, write our application letters, etc. Good thing my favorite thing in the world is to write! :)

Lee has already kindly agreed to let me take the writing duty over. :)

What a Quote!!!

I stole this off a friend's adoption blog site. She is on day 62 of waiting for her referral. All paperwork is in and she is officially "paper pregnant." Yesterday's entry was this:



"Waiting is one of God's most powerful tools of grace.
God doesn't just give us grace for the wait. The wait itself is a gift of grace.
You see, waiting is not only about what you will receive at the end of the wait.
Waiting is about what you will become as you wait"

-- Paul David Tripp

>I fully intend to print this out and post it in every obvious spot in the house--at eye level.

Can I get an Amen?

Madison Grace Colin

Where do I start? I am in love with this child. She is the sweetest thing in the world! And the cutest! When I first arrived at Brad and Erin's I couldn't believe how tiny she is. The pictures make her look bigger than she really is. She is about 7 pounds now so has almost doubled in weight. She is so petite though and her fingers and so long. She has the deepest, darkest blue eyes I've ever seen and she tries to focus when you look at her close. She make the funniest faces, including my favorite face, which is a frownie face. I LOVE watching her sneeze and yawn. I enjoyed feeding, burping and changing her. We danced a lot and we tried an ecclectic array of dance types, including tango, salsa, two step, country line dance, jazz, honeybear diddys, and waltz. She enjoyed that... So, to summarize an amazing first visit with my BEAUTIFUL niece, I have written a top 10 list of my favorite things about my visit with Maddie!

1. The way she crinkles her nose to sneeze

2. Her shrill little "cries" (I think she likes to hear herself)

3. Her little chin dimple

4. Her little outfits with built in ballet slippers

5. The way she screams when she gets her diaper changed (it sounds mean but she is soooo cute)

6. The way my brother is with her. He's so sweet and loves her so much!

7. Erin's use of cloth diapers. I think that is just amazing!
8. Her Montana Grizz outfits and little bear.

9. The way she fell asleep on my chest.

10. Every single thing about her!!!

Erin and Maddie in Phillipsburg

Grampie and Maddie

STTTTTTRETCH!


GO GRIZ!

Daisie feels a little left out

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Zonked out

Step One!

Today was a special day! I was feeling a bit blue after coming back from meeting my niece Madison Grace. I had such a GREAT time with her, Brad, Erin, Mom, Dad and Lee (and Daisie) that I didn't want to come home to work AT ALL. (I'll save my Maddie stories for another post). So, after having a bit of baby withdrawal blues, we got a call from our official social worker assigned to our adoption case! Before, we had Amy, a FABULOUS gal who was assigned as our intake case worker. She was sooo great and patient as this process took awhile to get started. Now, we have Emily and she called to introduce herself. Next, we received an email with our first 15 or so documents, agreements and lists. Then, we saw a list with our next payment total (somewhere around $10,000 and that's only some of it!). GULP! Then, we found out when our scheduled adoption conference call would be (tomorrow). Finally, we received the first of our weekly encouraging emails with updates and a Bible verse. Again, I couldn't be happier that we selected this agency. I highly recommend it thus far, and had to add a quote from the email Emily sent. I can't imagine Jesus not being the originator and protector on this journey.


I am delighted to begin this journey with your family. There will be blessings and challenges along the way; however, I trust our feet will always have the Light to walk in as Christ is the leader of this voyage. I am praying for your family as you begin this exciting stage.
Joyfully,
Emily

I was just thinking today that we've been traveling this journey for 14 months already. During the time I was laid off, I spent 6 months praying about this process and researching agencies. Then, we applied, then we raised and saved money, and now we begin the dossier (paperwork) process. We also are scheduling our homestudy very soon! All that said, we hope to have this stage of the process completed in 6 months! Then, we wait about 4 months (give or take) to get our referral. Then another month to travel to our court date, then another 1-2 months to bring our baby home! So, all that said we HOPE we will have our little angel in a year!!! We are hoping for him/her to be our anniversary present next year!

I realized this weekend how ready I am to be a mother. With Maddie, I was changing diapers, feeding, burping and just finally felt ready. She made the longing in my heart for my own child grow stronger. I can't imagine loving a child more than I love her. She is just precious!


My friend from college wrote on my facebook wall and said she was thinking of me, all he pain we've endured and this song came on the radio as she prayed for us!!! And she gave me an amazing quote I had to share! Check out this song. The words have never rung more true in my life than now!

http://s0.ilike.com/play#Josh+Wilson:Before+the+Morning:143556922:s56102032.13624421.6749593.0.2.287%2Cstd_0de82357ccc346728181ad9cad11a748

"Coincidences are little miracles in which God wishes to remain anonymous."

A little Miracle named Madison Grace

NO TURNING BACK NOW!!!

Well, we did it! We wrote the check for the first of many payments to AWAA (America World Adoption Association). It was sooooo much better than writing a check for a mortgage payment or bill. It was joyfully written and eagerly signed!

Of course we took a picture.

I had to crop it to remove the checking account #! Duh, who knows who is out there scanning blogs! :)

Lee was so sweet. We sat down to go over all the paperwork that this check accompanies. Lee read me every page, and together we poured over the requirements and timeline. Lee's face lit up when he said "we could have our baby in 10 months" and smiled ear to ear when he read "Receive your referral and travel to Ethiopia to get your child!" I asked him what he was feeling and he said "Finally, this is moving forward!" I asked if it seemed real and he said "Yes!" It was so cute and I could tell he was into it.

Have I mentioned that I LOVE our agency? This was one of the only ones that has you state your faith. We had to sign a statement, AGAIN with this agreement that stated that we believe Jesus Christ to be our Lord and Savior and we agree to raise our adopted child in this faith. How powerful!

So as wrote the check we said a long and powerful prayer together. What a wonderful moment to pray that God would watch over this entire process, love us, make it smooth, fast and joyful! We also prayed that our child would be ready for us and attach well. Even though it is amazing to think he/she is most likely not even conceived today I had an overwhelming feeling that our child is already here. And, he is already ours. My prayer thanked God for creating this child for us and doing so before WE were even born as the parents! Overwhelming to think of God's plan designed so very long ago!

The mother of our future child has been heavily weighing on my heart the past few days. Thinking about her having to make the decision to give up her child to us, foreign strangers is unfathomable to me. I can't imagine the angst and pain that will envelop her when she makes this choice. She will become a regular part of my prayers.

I have been thinking of what I will say to my son when he asks me if we adopted him just because we couldn't have our own. I honestly can say that I would tell him that is not the case. He was our FIRST CHOICE and God kept us from becoming pregnant to fulfil his will and purpose for our life! He will NEVER be "Plan B" and I am convinced that God has prepared my heart to have a non biological child first, so he can know that we sought him as our "Plan A." It just overwhelms me to think this is exactly the way God decided it would be and we are just where we should be just at this specific moment in time.

Finally, Lee said the funniest thing to Daisie tonight! Even though we are unsure of the child's sex, we both feel it will be a boy. Lee said to Daisie, "Dais-soon you will have your little 'Fro 'Bro!" I love it. Then, and only then, will our family be complete...

Mother's Day and Babies Galore!

It seems that everywhere babies are being born! In the past 2 months of my life I have known 6 friends and family members to have a baby! What a joyous time! We also received wonderful news that my niece Madison Grace got to come home after 4 weeks in the NICU! Just in time for Mother's Day!

Let's blow this joint!

Little Miss Grizz!


So tiny

Let's Go!!!

Babies, babies, babies! I have begun to wonder if there is indeed something in the water; water I am not privy to drinking.

Mother's Day was a difficult day for me. Never had I thought it would be, but this year, the day came with the realization that I was childless. It's definitely a difficult thing to be surrounded by all the babies, and be longing for your own. My heart physically aches. I found myself walking a tightrope of emotions, teetering between genuine happiness for my new mommy loved ones and sadness and despair over not having my own.

Childless women are often forgotten on Mother's Day. Just because we aren't mothers, doesn't mean we don't want to be. Blessedly, our pastor mentioned those of us who have longed for a child and haven't been able to have one. He said we are mothers too, to other children and in spirit. I so needed to hear this. While I have had a great many difficulties in this life, this journey is definitely my cross to bear. Many times I have felt unable to find anyone to talk to for support, to share my journey and painful and angry feelings would twist inside me and I thought I may explode! So, I write my book and this blog, which is my escape. I completely understand how others don't quite know what to ask and say. But God again provided special people in my life on Mother's Day who have traveled this lonely road and have the right encouraging words, notes and articles. I was overwhelmed by messages on Sunday of people telling me they prayed for me because they knew Mother's Day would be tough.

And so, in my heart I know I'm a mom. I just don't have my child...yet. I experience utter joy when I hear the news of a baby being born healthy, I look forward to new pictures and updates, I look at baby pictures and smile, I plan baby showers, shop for baby clothes, crochet baby blankets, all with the hope that it will be my turn soon. But it remains a bittersweet experience. Many people say that you cannot imagine being a parent until it happens to you. I completely agree and I can say you do not understand the journey of infertility and longing for a child until it happens to you. It is a lonely, silent and unforgiving place to be. My faith is tested constantly and I keep my chin up knowing God does not leave his promises unfulfilled. I pray for patience every single day.

And so I wish a genuine and heartfelt "Happy Mother's Day" to my loved ones, new mommies, mommies with grown children, mommies who have babies in heaven. I also wish a "Happy Future Mother's Day" to my comrades in this journey, who desire a child and are praying and hoping for a miracle as I am. We are soldiers my friends, and this journey God has selected for us is not for the weary or faint of heart. Though we may not know what it is, there is a lesson to be learned and He would not have chosen us to endure this struggle unless we were capable.

SOLD!

Well, we did it! After quite a roller coaster ride, we own our first house! It was so much fun going over there tonight to look around. While Lee has quite a "honey do" list, we had fun lying on the carpet looking at our house. We can't wait to paint, update and make it our own! It's hard to go from a house with a brand new kitchen with granite countertops to one with the original ones, not to mention no walk-in closet, but we're excited to OWN something, put our mark on it, update it and get it ready to sell in a few years when we return to Colorado. But, with these views, it will be hard to leave! :) We decided it really is worth the extra money and smaller house to be near the mountains. It will make our time here all the more pleasant. Now we can begin our homestudy! (Well, after we get moved in anyway).

The Toone Family hotel is open for business! :)

We'll leave the light on for ya!

Here are a few photos of the new Toone Family abode. :) One step closer to our baby! :)

The Living room and beautiful bay window

Daisie found a doggie bone


The kitchen-those countertops gotta go!!!

Family Room downstairs

View from the backyard looking back at the house. Can't wait to put a bistro table on the brick and a patio set on the deck and have guests over to cook S'mores in the firepit!

Home Sweet Home

Master Bedroom

Baby room? Hmmmmmm :)





Dining area-that wall's gotta go!!! :)