NO TURNING BACK NOW!!!

Well, we did it! We wrote the check for the first of many payments to AWAA (America World Adoption Association). It was sooooo much better than writing a check for a mortgage payment or bill. It was joyfully written and eagerly signed!

Of course we took a picture.

I had to crop it to remove the checking account #! Duh, who knows who is out there scanning blogs! :)

Lee was so sweet. We sat down to go over all the paperwork that this check accompanies. Lee read me every page, and together we poured over the requirements and timeline. Lee's face lit up when he said "we could have our baby in 10 months" and smiled ear to ear when he read "Receive your referral and travel to Ethiopia to get your child!" I asked him what he was feeling and he said "Finally, this is moving forward!" I asked if it seemed real and he said "Yes!" It was so cute and I could tell he was into it.

Have I mentioned that I LOVE our agency? This was one of the only ones that has you state your faith. We had to sign a statement, AGAIN with this agreement that stated that we believe Jesus Christ to be our Lord and Savior and we agree to raise our adopted child in this faith. How powerful!

So as wrote the check we said a long and powerful prayer together. What a wonderful moment to pray that God would watch over this entire process, love us, make it smooth, fast and joyful! We also prayed that our child would be ready for us and attach well. Even though it is amazing to think he/she is most likely not even conceived today I had an overwhelming feeling that our child is already here. And, he is already ours. My prayer thanked God for creating this child for us and doing so before WE were even born as the parents! Overwhelming to think of God's plan designed so very long ago!

The mother of our future child has been heavily weighing on my heart the past few days. Thinking about her having to make the decision to give up her child to us, foreign strangers is unfathomable to me. I can't imagine the angst and pain that will envelop her when she makes this choice. She will become a regular part of my prayers.

I have been thinking of what I will say to my son when he asks me if we adopted him just because we couldn't have our own. I honestly can say that I would tell him that is not the case. He was our FIRST CHOICE and God kept us from becoming pregnant to fulfil his will and purpose for our life! He will NEVER be "Plan B" and I am convinced that God has prepared my heart to have a non biological child first, so he can know that we sought him as our "Plan A." It just overwhelms me to think this is exactly the way God decided it would be and we are just where we should be just at this specific moment in time.

Finally, Lee said the funniest thing to Daisie tonight! Even though we are unsure of the child's sex, we both feel it will be a boy. Lee said to Daisie, "Dais-soon you will have your little 'Fro 'Bro!" I love it. Then, and only then, will our family be complete...

Mother's Day and Babies Galore!

It seems that everywhere babies are being born! In the past 2 months of my life I have known 6 friends and family members to have a baby! What a joyous time! We also received wonderful news that my niece Madison Grace got to come home after 4 weeks in the NICU! Just in time for Mother's Day!

Let's blow this joint!

Little Miss Grizz!


So tiny

Let's Go!!!

Babies, babies, babies! I have begun to wonder if there is indeed something in the water; water I am not privy to drinking.

Mother's Day was a difficult day for me. Never had I thought it would be, but this year, the day came with the realization that I was childless. It's definitely a difficult thing to be surrounded by all the babies, and be longing for your own. My heart physically aches. I found myself walking a tightrope of emotions, teetering between genuine happiness for my new mommy loved ones and sadness and despair over not having my own.

Childless women are often forgotten on Mother's Day. Just because we aren't mothers, doesn't mean we don't want to be. Blessedly, our pastor mentioned those of us who have longed for a child and haven't been able to have one. He said we are mothers too, to other children and in spirit. I so needed to hear this. While I have had a great many difficulties in this life, this journey is definitely my cross to bear. Many times I have felt unable to find anyone to talk to for support, to share my journey and painful and angry feelings would twist inside me and I thought I may explode! So, I write my book and this blog, which is my escape. I completely understand how others don't quite know what to ask and say. But God again provided special people in my life on Mother's Day who have traveled this lonely road and have the right encouraging words, notes and articles. I was overwhelmed by messages on Sunday of people telling me they prayed for me because they knew Mother's Day would be tough.

And so, in my heart I know I'm a mom. I just don't have my child...yet. I experience utter joy when I hear the news of a baby being born healthy, I look forward to new pictures and updates, I look at baby pictures and smile, I plan baby showers, shop for baby clothes, crochet baby blankets, all with the hope that it will be my turn soon. But it remains a bittersweet experience. Many people say that you cannot imagine being a parent until it happens to you. I completely agree and I can say you do not understand the journey of infertility and longing for a child until it happens to you. It is a lonely, silent and unforgiving place to be. My faith is tested constantly and I keep my chin up knowing God does not leave his promises unfulfilled. I pray for patience every single day.

And so I wish a genuine and heartfelt "Happy Mother's Day" to my loved ones, new mommies, mommies with grown children, mommies who have babies in heaven. I also wish a "Happy Future Mother's Day" to my comrades in this journey, who desire a child and are praying and hoping for a miracle as I am. We are soldiers my friends, and this journey God has selected for us is not for the weary or faint of heart. Though we may not know what it is, there is a lesson to be learned and He would not have chosen us to endure this struggle unless we were capable.