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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Mother's Day and Babies Galore!

It seems that everywhere babies are being born! In the past 2 months of my life I have known 6 friends and family members to have a baby! What a joyous time! We also received wonderful news that my niece Madison Grace got to come home after 4 weeks in the NICU! Just in time for Mother's Day!

Let's blow this joint!

Little Miss Grizz!

So tiny

Let's Go!!!

Babies, babies, babies! I have begun to wonder if there is indeed something in the water; water I am not privy to drinking.

Mother's Day was a difficult day for me. Never had I thought it would be, but this year, the day came with the realization that I was childless. It's definitely a difficult thing to be surrounded by all the babies, and be longing for your own. My heart physically aches. I found myself walking a tightrope of emotions, teetering between genuine happiness for my new mommy loved ones and sadness and despair over not having my own.

Childless women are often forgotten on Mother's Day. Just because we aren't mothers, doesn't mean we don't want to be. Blessedly, our pastor mentioned those of us who have longed for a child and haven't been able to have one. He said we are mothers too, to other children and in spirit. I so needed to hear this. While I have had a great many difficulties in this life, this journey is definitely my cross to bear. Many times I have felt unable to find anyone to talk to for support, to share my journey and painful and angry feelings would twist inside me and I thought I may explode! So, I write my book and this blog, which is my escape. I completely understand how others don't quite know what to ask and say. But God again provided special people in my life on Mother's Day who have traveled this lonely road and have the right encouraging words, notes and articles. I was overwhelmed by messages on Sunday of people telling me they prayed for me because they knew Mother's Day would be tough.

And so, in my heart I know I'm a mom. I just don't have my child...yet. I experience utter joy when I hear the news of a baby being born healthy, I look forward to new pictures and updates, I look at baby pictures and smile, I plan baby showers, shop for baby clothes, crochet baby blankets, all with the hope that it will be my turn soon. But it remains a bittersweet experience. Many people say that you cannot imagine being a parent until it happens to you. I completely agree and I can say you do not understand the journey of infertility and longing for a child until it happens to you. It is a lonely, silent and unforgiving place to be. My faith is tested constantly and I keep my chin up knowing God does not leave his promises unfulfilled. I pray for patience every single day.

And so I wish a genuine and heartfelt "Happy Mother's Day" to my loved ones, new mommies, mommies with grown children, mommies who have babies in heaven. I also wish a "Happy Future Mother's Day" to my comrades in this journey, who desire a child and are praying and hoping for a miracle as I am. We are soldiers my friends, and this journey God has selected for us is not for the weary or faint of heart. Though we may not know what it is, there is a lesson to be learned and He would not have chosen us to endure this struggle unless we were capable.

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