A BROKEN HEART RESTORED---MIRACLE #2!!!

There are no words to describe the emotional extremes we experienced upon discovering we are pregnant. Joy, shock, confusion, elation, sadness all at the same time.

The first question we have been asked when sharing our news has unanimously been "But what about your adoption?"

GOOD. QUESTION.

I laughed out loud when we saw a positive pregnancy test and stated several times that God has an amazing sense of humor. How else could we expect the interesting timing of this entire experience? We conceived a couple days after we were "DTE" and found out we were expecting the day our paperwork made it to Ethiopia. I found myself questioning God and His timing. My heart began to shatter into a million pieces all while bursting with joy. The bittersweet rollercoaster ride of your entire world being shifted is indescribable.

You may think that sounds quite odd but let me explain. For TWO WHOLE YEARS our hearts have become increasingly attached to a faceless baby in Ethiopia. Our views of the world have shifted after God has allowed our sheltered eyes to be opened to the world. We had joined support groups, interacted with local Ethiopian and other adoptive families, read books, studied about raising transracial children and prayed for this child together, thus growing quite attached. If you ask adoptive families who have both birthed children and adopted, you will know they provide an equal description of both experiences, only the adoption actually becomes even more unpredictable and they say they are even more attached to the adoptive child in the wait. A biological pregnancy is only 9 months and an adoption can take years. Lots of time to fall in love with a child who exists across the miles.

That is what had happened to me. My heart had grown 10 sizes in allowing myself to become engrossed in this process. It had become our blood, sweat, financial goal, tears, praise and prayer for the past two years. I had written an entire journal documenting the process and feelings to this child so he would always know how much he was loved and cared for before we even brought him home. I had prayed over this child both with Lee and alone. I had prayed for his mother and that God would prepare her heart to give him up to us. I cannot describe to you the utter despair I felt at letting this dream go. I knew we'd eventually adopt but for this moment, there was no way I could possible fathom beginning the process over, which is what our agency's policy would require. Being pregnant while adopting was not an option. We would lose 2 years of paperchasing, finances and preparation. But most importantly, I felt as though I had lost our baby. There had to be a real and tangible grieving process for me to move forward.

And yet...we were ELATED. In one breath I was giddy, jumping for joy at the thought that I was blessed with a biological pregnancy and that God has knocked my socks off once again. My mind began to drift to thoughts of buying maternity clothes and getting ultrasounds and I was walking on Sunshine. And then, it would return to that child in Africa, with his big, brown and sad eyes. The child that I KNEW in my heart of hearts that God had for us and I would wonder when we could hold him too.

Several times I tried to journal the beginnings of this pregnancy and couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt guilty and traitorous that I would abruptly stop journaling to our baby Africa and so...I didn't. I wrote to him for many nights. I made darn sure he will ALWAYS know he is STILL PLAN A. There was NEVER A PLAN B for God, or us. We were still going to come get him. He was still our child that God had hand picked since the beginning of time. It may take longer, but he would still be home with us and to just be patient a little longer. And most of all, that Mommy and Daddy loved him and would continue to pray for him.

And then I cried. I crawled in bed with Lee and sobbed many times. He held me and I'm not quite sure he'll ever quite understand the pain in my heart. My knees hit the floor begging God to allow me the joy of our pregnancy without guilt and would heal my shattered broken heart. As I type these words even now, tears flow.

Everyday was a rollercoaster for a couple of weeks. It was suggested I talk to a counselor, but I just couldn't imagine anyone understanding this bittersweet situation unless they had been through the experience. Within my adoption support group, there are families that had pulled out of our program for the same reasons, so I contacted them. I quickly learned that two friends who had gotten pregnant while adopting were the only ones who could truly understand. It was the beginning of my healing, for which I am truly grateful. Our adoption support support group has been amazing and because of them I could trust God and his timing and truly enjoy my pregnancy.

And then....

My dearest adoption friend Debbie Marquez called me and said to listen to the recent Ethiopia conference call from our agency. I had honestly cut myself off from anything and everything Ethiopia and adoption related because it was too painful. And so we learned that our agency had changed their policy! Due to the extensive wait for referrals, court dates and embassy appointments with the issues in Ethiopia, the wait times were much longer. They had changed their policy to allow for concurrent adoptions and pregnancies! We only need fill out a simple paper and have our social worker to write a letter and we would stay in! No money would be lost, we would stay on the wait list and could still adopt!

GOD. IS. FAITHFUL. Just tonight while walking Daisie did I burst into tears in praise of Him. Who else could have orchestrated the intricate details of this amazing tapestry of our journey to parenthood. Our dossier took so long to get to Ethiopia because we had to get pregnant and the agency policy had to change so we could have BOTH children. In my heart of hearts I knew it was God speaking gently to my heart,

"Kylie. You have been faithful. You have shown me you would do My will. You have finally surrendered your desire to be a mother to me. You have been faithful to save your finances for the cause of adoption. I am rewarding you. I have TWO children for you. Don't worry. I have kept My promise to you. You WILL be a mother. My timing is better than yours. This is your reward. I love you my daughter."

And instantly my broken heart was restored. God had already written the last page of this chapter in our lives, long before time began. He has had our children picked out for us since the beginning of His creation. How could I question His plan?

This experience has been the most faith-building one of my life. Indeed, TWO miracles have happened. Often my heart gets overwhelmed by God's goodness. Just now as I was typing these words I had to stop and sob and praise Him. He knows my heart and He knows yours. He gives us the desires of our heart if we only surrender to His will.

Thus, the adoption story continues. I had to share something Lee said to me the night we found out we were pregnant. I sat on the couch and asked him, "Honey, promise me we'll still adopt." His response was precious, "Of course we will honey. How could we not? We know too much."

God has broken our hearts over and over and over again for the orphans of the world. We cannot turn our backs on them. His word commands we care for the widows and orphans. We could not live with ourselves if we did not help them.

And so...

We hope our story would serve as an inspiration to others. To those who aren't sure about God, use this story as an example of the miracles He creates with a simple breath. Know that what He states in His word is a living guide to life today. Trust Him. And trust in His miracles.

"He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!" (Psalm 113:9)

1 MONTH DTE....SURPRISE MIRACLE #1!!!

Wow, SO. MUCH. HAS. HAPPENED! WHERE DO I BEGIN? Well, you've probably noticed I have not blogged for several MONTHS. SO UN-KYLIE-LIKE. :) Well, I was waiting because we have BIG. NEWS.

It was quite a saga that will need to be blogged in 2 installments.

As you know, we recently (April 15th) became DTE (Dossier to Ethiopia). In adoption terms it means: "KINDA A BIG DEAL." or "PAPER PREGNANT." OR "JUST PLAIN DONE WITH A MOUND OF PAPERWORK." We couldn't have been more excited. So we celebrated a HUGE accomplishment....AND THEN....

Do you remember the previous post? How we showed the journey our paperwork took as it traveled to Ethiopia? Well, it arrived and at the same time it did we had a pretty amazing surprise.

Yep! That is right! Many have wanted to hear the whole story so here it is!

After you have tried for so many years to get pregnant, you get the timing, body cues, temperature and all that jazz down pat. But let me just say we had stopped "trying." For about a year as a matter of fact. Our adoption was in full force and we knew that was/is God's will for us to add to our family. We had accepted it and were THRILLED. All that said, we knew that the night we "celebrated" (**ahem**) that it was possible we could get pregnant (well, I knew.) But who cares? We HONESTLY didn't think it would happen. I noticed that I had no idea when Aunt Flo was to arrive and so I secretly bought a pregnancy test. I saw the faintest of lines but was just sure my eyes were playing tricks as it had so many times before. When you have so longed to be pregnant, your eyes will see whatever they want. So I threw the test away. A couple of days later I felt a little pukey, so I went to Target on my lunch and bought a digital test. "NOT PREGNANT."

I was due for my annual exam so I had scheduled an appointment. The doctor asked me the date of my last period and I told her I had no idea. She asked if I wanted a pregnancy test and I obliged. Not expecting anything, the nurse entered the room and said "well its been 3 minutes and I don't see anything." I was fine with it and waited for the doctor. She walked in about 2 minutes later and said "Oh, I see a faint line! Honey, I think you are pregnant. Yep, you are!" I shared our adoption story with her and she was giddy. She said "I had a rough day and you just turned that around. You made my day!"

Laying on the table I was about to have a panic attack. There was NO WAY this was happening! Just to confirm, we did bloodwork over the next few days. I had to go over to the hospital for bloodwork as our clinic lab was closed for the day. Poor Lee was wondering where on earth I was and my phone was in the car. OH. MY. GOODNESS.

I drove home, hands shaking, having a full-on hyperventilation attack! I waked in the house and Lee said "what took you so long!? Your appointment was at 4!" (It was nearly 7 now). I told him they had to do bloodwork and proceeded to tell him our news. He grabbed my hand and said "Let's go sit outside!" We sat on the deck where it was cool because he too was beginning to hyperventilate. He put his head between his legs and had to breathe for a bit. After some chatting, we came in and decided to take the other digital pregnancy test. This time "PREGNANT." :) WHOA!

Now what!? What about our adoption? What about our plans? (See the next installment---It was a lot to process!)

The bloodwork confirmed that I indeed am pregnant. My HCG hormone levels were rising perfectly. All looked good as we tried to wrap our brains around this! We called our immediate families and then sat on our news for a couple weeks.

I had made another appt. with our doctor so that was the next step. At 6.5 weeks I had an ultrasound. All looked well! The tiny tadpole was growing quickly. :) Another thing was growing as well! My increasingly AWFUL nausea. LITERALLY, on Mother's Day, the morning sickness began with a vengeance.

Tiny Tadpole at 6.5 weeks.
Me demonstrating the morning/noon/night sickness I was experiencing (notice the Lion is ALSO displaying the nausea!) :)

6.5 weeks along. Not much of a bump but definitely bloated!

A month later, we went back to the doctor. Due to my "advanced maternal age" and "bum thyroid" (although that may not be the medical term) I would need to see my doctor more often and also a Fetal Medicine Specialist. The 10.5 week ultrasound revealed a heartbeat, a beautiful and perfect baby that was moving all over the place! This made ALL the the barfing and CONSTANT nausea, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Arbys and Taco Bell cravings WORTH IT.

SO. IN. LOVE.

Baby bump at 10.5 weeks. Still nothing much but bloat. Definitely feeling the pants getting tighter and my waist filling out.

The beauty of being a "reproductively ancient" gal (the joke my doctor shared, since she is pregnant and about my age) is MANY ultrasounds. Blessed that my HIGH deductible for insurance has been met by physical therapy, these visits cost me about 10 bucks. LOVING IT! Only 1.5 weeks later, we visited the Fetal Medicine Specialist and got yet another ultrasound!

Baby T putting both arms in front of his/her face! Shy? I doubt it!

This baby was CONSTANTLY moving. I'm not kidding when I say it would not hold still. It honestly took the poor ultrasound tech so long to get good shots for the downs syndrome aspects of the exam. this baby was jumping one one end of my uterus and bouncing like a trampoline. Constantly flipping around to its side, back, front etc. At one point it was bobbing its head in perfect rhythm. It was as if he/she was listening to music. I asked if perhaps it was hiccups and the tech said no. She thought baby was doing squats or just bobbing its head and that she had rarely seen such an active baby in 17 years! It was hilarious! We're a little worried about what we're getting into with this one!

Sweet little face. Its not truly the mouth "smiling" but sure looks like an angelic photo. We are so in love!

After our ultrasound (in which the tech said "This baby is beautiful and perfect") we visited with the Genetic Counselor. We decided not to do anything invasive, including amniocentesis. Instead we will trust two blood tests that screen for Cystic Fibrosis, Spina Bifida and Downs Syndrome. The geneticist said that based on the ultrasound alone they are 99% sure that the baby is healthy! Everyone has said everything looks perfect from every visit and if the bloodwork checked out ok, I would be removed from "high risk" and not return to their office.

I cannot describe how awful I have felt these first three months of pregnancy. I literally would come home from work and retreat to bed or the couch. I could only muster the energy to consume quarter pounders, Chef Boyardee, and Taco Bell before retreating to bed. Drinking water caused me to make a visit to a certain pine tree at work. :) I did NOTHING around the house. I had no energy for anything but work. My sweet, dear, darling husband has done EVERYTHING for two months. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, EVERYTHING. He has treated me like a queen and is truly elated for our wonderful news! What a blessing it is to know that God has given us an incredible miracle! There is nothing like the feeling. The timing was a little "off" at first but we'll explain why we feel it happened as it did in the next post. We are absolutely head over heels in love with this child! The shock has been replaced with elation. We felt it might happen for us at some point, but the shock and fun of it happening when we weren't 'trying' makes it all the more miraculous! It has been a blast to share our unique story with others...

So what lesson did we learn from this experience? That no matter how many times you take your temperature, buy ovulation prediction kits and time everything just right, God has ALL. THE. CONTROL. ALWAYS. AND GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD. No matter what WE plan, God has a better plan. There is nothing that has strengthened my faith in my entire life more than this experience has!

NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER LOSE HOPE! KEEP THE FAITH.

Isn't God's best better than our plans ever are?