There are no words to describe the emotional extremes we experienced upon discovering we are pregnant. Joy, shock, confusion, elation, sadness all at the same time.
The first question we have been asked when sharing our news has unanimously been "But what about your adoption?"
I laughed out loud when we saw a positive pregnancy test and stated several times that God has an amazing sense of humor. How else could we expect the interesting timing of this entire experience? We conceived a couple days after we were "DTE" and found out we were expecting the day our paperwork made it to Ethiopia. I found myself questioning God and His timing. My heart began to shatter into a million pieces all while bursting with joy. The bittersweet rollercoaster ride of your entire world being shifted is indescribable.
You may think that sounds quite odd but let me explain. For TWO WHOLE YEARS our hearts have become increasingly attached to a faceless baby in Ethiopia. Our views of the world have shifted after God has allowed our sheltered eyes to be opened to the world. We had joined support groups, interacted with local Ethiopian and other adoptive families, read books, studied about raising transracial children and prayed for this child together, thus growing quite attached. If you ask adoptive families who have both birthed children and adopted, you will know they provide an equal description of both experiences, only the adoption actually becomes even more unpredictable and they say they are even more attached to the adoptive child in the wait. A biological pregnancy is only 9 months and an adoption can take years. Lots of time to fall in love with a child who exists across the miles.
That is what had happened to me. My heart had grown 10 sizes in allowing myself to become engrossed in this process. It had become our blood, sweat, financial goal, tears, praise and prayer for the past two years. I had written an entire journal documenting the process and feelings to this child so he would always know how much he was loved and cared for before we even brought him home. I had prayed over this child both with Lee and alone. I had prayed for his mother and that God would prepare her heart to give him up to us. I cannot describe to you the utter despair I felt at letting this dream go. I knew we'd eventually adopt but for this moment, there was no way I could possible fathom beginning the process over, which is what our agency's policy would require. Being pregnant while adopting was not an option. We would lose 2 years of paperchasing, finances and preparation. But most importantly, I felt as though I had lost our baby. There had to be a real and tangible grieving process for me to move forward.
And yet...we were ELATED. In one breath I was giddy, jumping for joy at the thought that I was blessed with a biological pregnancy and that God has knocked my socks off once again. My mind began to drift to thoughts of buying maternity clothes and getting ultrasounds and I was walking on Sunshine. And then, it would return to that child in Africa, with his big, brown and sad eyes. The child that I KNEW in my heart of hearts that God had for us and I would wonder when we could hold him too.
Several times I tried to journal the beginnings of this pregnancy and couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt guilty and traitorous that I would abruptly stop journaling to our baby Africa and so...I didn't. I wrote to him for many nights. I made darn sure he will ALWAYS know he is STILL PLAN A. There was NEVER A PLAN B for God, or us. We were still going to come get him. He was still our child that God had hand picked since the beginning of time. It may take longer, but he would still be home with us and to just be patient a little longer. And most of all, that Mommy and Daddy loved him and would continue to pray for him.
And then I cried. I crawled in bed with Lee and sobbed many times. He held me and I'm not quite sure he'll ever quite understand the pain in my heart. My knees hit the floor begging God to allow me the joy of our pregnancy without guilt and would heal my shattered broken heart. As I type these words even now, tears flow.
Everyday was a rollercoaster for a couple of weeks. It was suggested I talk to a counselor, but I just couldn't imagine anyone understanding this bittersweet situation unless they had been through the experience. Within my adoption support group, there are families that had pulled out of our program for the same reasons, so I contacted them. I quickly learned that two friends who had gotten pregnant while adopting were the only ones who could truly understand. It was the beginning of my healing, for which I am truly grateful. Our adoption support support group has been amazing and because of them I could trust God and his timing and truly enjoy my pregnancy.
My dearest adoption friend Debbie Marquez called me and said to listen to the recent Ethiopia conference call from our agency. I had honestly cut myself off from anything and everything Ethiopia and adoption related because it was too painful. And so we learned that our agency had changed their policy! Due to the extensive wait for referrals, court dates and embassy appointments with the issues in Ethiopia, the wait times were much longer. They had changed their policy to allow for concurrent adoptions and pregnancies! We only need fill out a simple paper and have our social worker to write a letter and we would stay in! No money would be lost, we would stay on the wait list and could still adopt!
GOD. IS. FAITHFUL. Just tonight while walking Daisie did I burst into tears in praise of Him. Who else could have orchestrated the intricate details of this amazing tapestry of our journey to parenthood. Our dossier took so long to get to Ethiopia because we had to get pregnant and the agency policy had to change so we could have BOTH children. In my heart of hearts I knew it was God speaking gently to my heart,
"Kylie. You have been faithful. You have shown me you would do My will. You have finally surrendered your desire to be a mother to me. You have been faithful to save your finances for the cause of adoption. I am rewarding you. I have TWO children for you. Don't worry. I have kept My promise to you. You WILL be a mother. My timing is better than yours. This is your reward. I love you my daughter."
And instantly my broken heart was restored. God had already written the last page of this chapter in our lives, long before time began. He has had our children picked out for us since the beginning of His creation. How could I question His plan?
This experience has been the most faith-building one of my life. Indeed, TWO miracles have happened. Often my heart gets overwhelmed by God's goodness. Just now as I was typing these words I had to stop and sob and praise Him. He knows my heart and He knows yours. He gives us the desires of our heart if we only surrender to His will.
Thus, the adoption story continues. I had to share something Lee said to me the night we found out we were pregnant. I sat on the couch and asked him, "Honey, promise me we'll still adopt." His response was precious, "Of course we will honey. How could we not? We know too much."
God has broken our hearts over and over and over again for the orphans of the world. We cannot turn our backs on them. His word commands we care for the widows and orphans. We could not live with ourselves if we did not help them.
We hope our story would serve as an inspiration to others. To those who aren't sure about God, use this story as an example of the miracles He creates with a simple breath. Know that what He states in His word is a living guide to life today. Trust Him. And trust in His miracles.
"He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!" (Psalm 113:9)