YEP! That's me in my shirt that I LOVE. Already it has become a conversation starter in public places. I walked into a Chevron one day after Lee asked me to pick up one more quart of oil. The clerk started telling me about his nephew, who was adopted from there 2 years ago. He said, and I quote, "It was a LONG, HARD, journey, but sooooo worth it. He's a great kid."
So why are we so shocked that this latest development has happened? We just got word from our agency that Ethiopia is now requiring two visits from the parents to Ethiopia. Previously, it was not required for both parents to be present for the court hearing. Often times, the court date does not pass the first time, so it is repeated and an agency representative takes care of it. Only one parent had to travel to Africa ONCE to pick up the child. Now, the courts are requiring BOTH parents to come to court (and hope they pass the first time!) and then BOTH to travel to pick up the child. Now this is not a bad thing when you realize this declaration has come as a results of the recent surge of adoptions since the Haiti earthquake. That is a GOOD thing. The judge wants the parents to advocate for their future child and testify to their commitment and love. All good things. But, the obstacle comes in having to add an additional $5,000-10,000 to the total cost, depending on how many court dates you have to attend. And the length of time will now be extended.
We are overwhelmed to say the least. It seems that this journey will never see its end, even though we've only just begun the process. It seems to be 3 steps forward and 4 steps back. I find myself really questioning if we should proceed. I am asking God for confirmation and clarity and things keep happening to prolong this process. But then, He throws in little bits of encouragement. Like the dream I had where I stroked an African Orphan's face and he said to me, "I can tell you truly love me, because you hands are so loving and you love my color." Weird, but encouraging. And the 4 year old from my fitness class who said "Coach Kylie, I REALLY love you." And I REALLY love her and wept when I pulled the car away from her school. And the verse God dropped on my head like a 2 X 4. "He gives the childless woman a family and makes a happy mother. PRAISE THE LORD!" Psalm 113:9. So, what I am concluding from this is that God is whispering a quiet, yet powerful PROMISE to my heart. "Kylie, you WILL be a mother, I PROMISE. Just. Be. Patient."
I was driving home from my pilates class and JJ Heller's song came on KLOVE. Yep, that's the ONLY station I have been capable of listening to. I have to, so that I may fill myself up with the most possible amount of encouragement and boy does that station provide it!
JJ's song says:
"When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your Hands."
(YOU ARE LISTENING TO THIS SONG RIGHT NOW!!!)
So, of course I lost it. I am admittedly a deeply emotional and feeling person but this day took the cake. I literally sobbed like a baby. I gripped hard to the steering wheel and cried out to God! "God! MY heart is BROKEN! I want to be a mother and I've waited so long already. 2 years of trying, a year of trying to get this adoption started. Will I EVER be a mother? PLEASE God. PLEASE help me. Comfort me, give me peace. Give me hope. Strengthen me and give me trust."
So how do we go on from here? We pray, as we have been. We pray for a miracle with the finances. We pray that God will confirm His will and make it VERY VERY (like NEON SIGN) clear. We pray that God will say "If this adoption is not my will then I will help you to accept it." And we cling to the hope that God will not leave his promises unfufilled about being parents.
Do you know what is so interesting? I have prayed time and time again that God would remove our desire to be parents if it was not His will. But guess what He did? He only strengthened it. I tell people all the time that by the time I hold my child in my arms (whether adopted or biolgical) I will have utterly
CHERISHED every tear, prayer, hug, (or stretch mark, nauseous and bloated day or ache and pain). For those of us who have been through the journey of infertility and desired a child so much we'd do anything, I think the end result is just that much sweeter.
So, I'm not giving up. Whether it is God testing our commitment and faith, or signs to stop this process, I'm holding tight to His promises...And like my best friend said to me, "Kylie, God gives us what we can handle. Lots of us couldn't handle what you are going through, but God knows you can!"
Thanks for letting me pour out my heart. It is very therapeutic. Thanks for all the words of encouragement, prayers, financial support and love. We have a long way to go, so keep it coming! :)
