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Monday, January 28, 2013

Deep thoughts on being the Mama of a One-year-Old

The past year has been PURE JOY.  Our precious child is the rhythm of our heartbeats and extra bounce in our footsteps. Every single moment has been cherished and I can honestly say that I have never felt irritated, annoyed, or frustrated. Never once did I have to "count to ten," "take a deep breath" or "walk away." I truly STILL believe, when you have waited as long as we have for a child, as challenging as things may be, you cherish every moment. So many times I just stopped to watch her, to breathe her skin, to soak her in.  I have memorized her every crease, wrinkle, gesture, smile, jabber, action, trait and behavior. Every fuss, snuggle, feeding, changing and menial task was utterly cherished. Many times I would be pushing a cart with her in it at the grocery store, and such a mundane task became giddy. I love having her with me every second and she makes even the most boring tasks pleasant. Dancing, singing, playing, cuddling in bed in the wee hours of the morning, EVERYTHING is sweeter with her. Everyday I think that God saved the best for us, and because of that and His most PERFECT PLAN for the child he selected for us, makes all the tears, agony, heartache, longing and aching WORTH IT. Infertility is painful on every level. Every trip to Target when you accidentally walk by the baby section is like a knife twisting in your heart. Every negative pregnancy test sends you into a spiral of despair and hope dwindles as you think "Maybe next month." For that reason, I have a special heart for those who have struggled. For you, I wish a miracle like we received. They happen and when they do they are SO. WORTH.  THE.  WAIT.

One year ago I was uncomfortably, but gratefully pregnant, picturing a baby in the empty crib. Today I stare at her at night and whisper "you're my precious angel" in her ear as she sleeps and try to again picture an empty crib and imagine the anticipation of her coming. I reflect on the pain so throbbing and real that existed for so long in my heart and then the day I found out I was pregnant when that pain disappeared! I imagine that God's timeline is not our own, in fact He has no sense of time as we do. Moments for us are constantly ticking away as it becomes "too late" for us, but He is focusing on His overall plan for our lives, not the moment by moment. That is so reassuring! I love to reflect on how God spoke so deeply me so many times using so many verses. Hebrews 11:1 describes faith as "Faith is evidence of things hoped for but unseen." Yep, our faith brought us our Macie Faith.  
And...The one verse I clung to in so many painful, tear-filled cries to Him...

Psalm 113:9

 He gives the childless woman a family,
making her a happy mother.

Praise the Lord!
Indeed, our God is a God of promises.    And He keeps those promises!

One year of change. One year of PURE JOY. An adjustment year of a new life I never fathoed!  One year ago, as I held that newborn in my arms, I never could have imagined the toddler she'd become.
I keep a journal for my kiddos that they may one day read and have an inkling how much I adore them. Here is what I wrote 1-11-13.
"All day long I replayed my journey to you. I wish I would have written down my memories of the first night but I was so groggy. The next day you had a pink ribbon in your hair and I just could not believe how tiny and beautiful you were. I kept asking if in fact you were our child! I kept saying to Grammy "She's so pretty! Is it just me or is she pretty?" Grammy said "Yes.  She is pretty!"  So many said you were the prettiest baby they had ever seen! I held you and I memorized your face. Puffiness above your nose, creases between your eyebrows like mommy. Long fingers and toes.  Short toenails. Widows peak hairline. Long eye creases. Perfect pink lips and smooth, soft skin with out a single blemish, bruise or pimple.   Oh how I loved you then and I still love you now, but so much more.   I can't believe how fast a year has gone and this has been the very best year of my life. It has definitely also been the absolute fastest one! I hope God slows down our next year, otherwise I'll blink and you will be going to college!"
And now a few of our favorite shots over this past year...


I love you my precious angel.  You are truly and completely the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed or experienced.  You epitomize your name, as you are truly are our "gift from God through faith."  Your existence brings my heart the greatest joy than I have ever known and my capacity for love has only grown infinitely beyond expectation.  God knew that when you came He would show me deeply how great His power truly is and how His plans far exceed our own.  This year was amazing and I cannot wait for so many more. 
You are the light of our lives!

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